A new light
This is my blank canvas. Part of me wanted to keep this personal but then part of me wants you guys to know me and to get a feel of what I am about and that's the good, bad, and all the in between. Motherhood is HARD and if anyone tells you differently is lying. My goal with this blog is to become more relatable and real with you all. I am an open book so if you have questions feel free to reach out and let's chat.
Today, in the car rider line I sat there in silence for the first time in about a month and all I wanted to do was scream. I feel like lately life has been a little harder than usual. I know I should be thankful for all I do have and know that someone out there has it worse but I wanted a moment to be selfish and make it about me. Did I scream? No. But I am sure if I had, the lady sitting in her car next to me would have enjoyed the show. So, why did I want to scream? Let's dig a little into the past few months.
I had my third son in August of last year, decided to up root my children again and move away from my family again to Florida. I know right, insane. Who leaves their support system and moves 20 hours away from them? Me, of course. I have been one that goes through spurts where I want to be up my families asses everyday for a year or two and then I get tired of them and I want to be far away. This time I wanted my youngest son to be near his fathers side of the family and I wanted them to have all the firsts with their first grandson, nephew, son. But how would I know that my mental health would slowly drag down as each day passes?
Everything was great when we got here, but then the bad luck started to hit. My tags on my car, that's in my ex husbands name who lives in Arkansas, expired. I still drove it around because you know, REBEL. Not really, I just needed to get around and that was my only way. That was until I got pulled over and had to park my beauty for the past THREE months and I can't make it up how bad I have lost myself.
Then let's talk about how hard it is to find a daycare with open spots for infants....times are tough and in order to pay bills and live there has to be two incomes. I got a work from home job and man was I getting good at it but if you know me you know that being a present mama is the most important thing to me and working and trying to take care of a baby is probably the most draining thing ever. All I wanted to do was tend to my son but I had to do my job and with my son crying and screaming in the background in all my calls was stressful to the max. Then you add the fact that I'm not just the mom of one I am the mom of three and my older two sons needed me just as badly. HOW DO PEOPLE DO THIS STUFF? HOW DO MOMS DO THIS?
Now, we landed our own apartment and that in itself was a relief for everyone. However, it now made me feel even more alone. Try telling your boyfriend that you're feeling like you are alone. Men just don't get it. Having not a friend or your family to see in person and being close to, makes you start to feel in a lonely box. I never knew how much I loved being around other adults but in silence. I just love the presence of another adult human being and when your boyfriend works 12-15 hours in a day to try make ends meat for your family and he's the only person you have, it brings your mental being down. Now imagine being in that situation daily for months.
Whew, I promise life isn't some horrible mess. Its actually very beautiful, you take those small moments and the moments of life going by makes it so beautiful.
Remember mama, its okay to have bad days even if feels like you have more of those than good. Its okay to scream, throw a fit of your own, but its okay to also breathe and take in the fresh smell of your baby or your child reading his favorite book to you. Its all going to be okay mama.
